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Beyond the bullsh*t (Part 3)

Updated: May 14

Life goes on


So clearly now I’ve seen through the bullsh*t of society, I have got to live with it and somehow move beyond it all.


So should i go twice a month to tiny glass club ?


So here I am, part of the tiny glass club and I am there regularly, every month. My life has started to fall into place nicely. My family can now see that the changes we are applying monthly to our lifestyle, are benefitting everyone, and I feel so much more alive.

I can see the world is in a bad place and I can see that I can do a small part to help it move away from the problem and into a solution. I am eating healthily, not smoking, not getting caught up in drama and as a family we are good overall. My coping mechanisms with four teenage children are far better than ever before. I crave less and need less and yet feel more and more fulfilled. The person I sit with when I am alone, I like, and I actually feel I have some inner guidance system and a greater spiritual being looking out for me. The jars of suppressed emotion I stacked up over the years are now being undone and I’ve barely any jars left to undo.


I am a new person every month and the changes I’ve applied are quite shocking to outside family and friends; to them I am well on my way to La La street, but the happiness they see in me and the connection I have has them puzzled and fearful. They keep questioning my sanity and if they should be concerned for me. It highlights their own fear and their own disconnection and they feel unsupported and disowned by the bullshit around them. They live inside lonely planet, snatching moments of joy from pub world or drug street, submersed in stress mode on a daily bases, full of fear fantasies and scary disease monsters surrounding them at every corner. Their day is filled with ‘no hope’ TV and ‘look how shite your life is’ magazines and it was all wrapped up in glossy fake pictures of Photoshopped people.

Outer family concerns however influence me.


I question myself like I may have developed some sort of habit, like an addiction. Every month I go and every month my life improves, so it’s not a bad addiction but maybe I feel I am going too much.


(The thought of this makes me chuckle now that I am 8 years on from when this was)


If I drank coffee for one weekend a month would it be bad, seen and viewed as an addiction? If I went to church or psychotherapy once a month every month would people question my addiction or dependency on it? If I spent time with my best friend once a month at a spa or day out and came home feeling fulfilled and alive would I question it? If I went to some sort of hobby event once a month, met great people and shared a common interest and then felt great all month would it be too much?

Would it be bad for me?

If my life improved no end and I was happy and content would we question its origins like it was unusual?

If I spent £150 on a coat or boots or night out would it be viewed as over indulgence? I sat with all these society mind chatter questions each time the tiny glass club dates came up. It was once again society bullshit programming that had me questioning my own happiness.


Admittedly, I did on occasions look like I had spent the weekend in fight club, battered and bruised with an ego in tatters but I loved it and it made me want to go more.


I cared less about the way I looked to the world and what people thought about me as tiny glass club chipped away at my over active mind chatter, the constant dribble of abuse and drabble of meaningless subjects it clung to. The self-abuse critic suddenly lost her voice and was silenced. Other people’s stories and world headlines, full of half truths and fear was, as I realised, really none of my business and having an opinion on them was not relevant to my daily joy.

Over time and along a winding path I discovered a way to live amongst the chaos of the world and yet remain, to a certain degree, above it.

I felt disconnected from the main world and more plugged into a side street, much quieter and more content. The plants showed me each month how to integrate the wisdom and the teachings and my evenings with the plants became very assorted and beautiful.

My arse kicking journey became less and less and my whole attitude towards mankind changed. I stopped seeking answers to what were really bullsh*t questions and I found peace and looked more for deep feelings of love and acceptance and belongingness.


My anger at our country and the mess it was contributing to the world was fading; the plants showed me it was ok to be angry but not to stay angry. It was ok to be sad but don’t stay there. In fact the plants’ teachings were rippling through my entire being on a constant daily time scale and I felt amazing. The sadness and heaviness of life had completely gone and even on disaster days when I was wrapped in the drama and anxiety of family members and events I knew I was ok, I knew I was held and I knew it would be ok.


My biggest gift from the plants was trust. It ran through every cell in my body and it pumped itself around me, flowing deep in my veins keeping me alive. It freed me from all the bullshit. I could see through it, around it, beyond it and it no longer had a hold over me.


I got it. I totally got it. I was it and I loved it, couldn’t for the life of me explain what exactly ‘it’ is, but I didn’t care. I don’t know how electricity works but I use the lights in my house regardless and the Internet baffles me completely. All I knew was I couldn’t go back, I didn’t want to go back and this new life ahead of me was going to be ok.


I didn’t need a plan, I stopped needing to know the answer to life, there was not one answer, there were a hundred, a thousand, a million answers to every question anyway. The answers everyone seeks are all designed around the society bullshit and we are all programmed into, in a deeper way than we want to admit, so any answers would have been bullsh*t answers most of the time anyway. There was no answer so stop questioning it all, just be above, enjoy and trust.


The tiny glass club was my place of unquestionable beauty and love.


It showed me that people wanted change, people were at the core, all the same and no matter what walk of life they all came from we all needed love, acceptance and to belong and feel like we are ok. We all arrived as strangers and left as friends and family. Our souls had merged in that tiny glass and we were connected. We all wanted to know the answer to one big question; that there was more to life than what we first thought. There were of course a thousand answers to this, hence why I returned to tiny glass club monthly

Knowing the answer and becoming the answer are clearly a matter of time and monthly visits. The world I realised wasn’t a bad place, society wasn’t deliberately evil, it was just lost!

It had forgotten to ask the right question, it had been disconnected and it was searching for something and some idiot who was lost had given it the wrong coordinates. It was looking outside its centre not inside it. It needed a new map.



 
 
Tiny glass clubs were popping up everywhere and people were beginning to find new maps to follow, inner maps of love and belief and empowerment and confidence. It was great. I met tiny glass club people all over and I knew it was time for me to make a big step. I had been visiting Peru and had been held by the Mother jungle herself. She was stunning and she was happy to have me.  She then gave me a very special map and it scared the hell out of me. I ran screaming inside full of fear and clawing my way back to society’s lost world. This was the biggest thing ever and not necessarily a change I wanted.
 
She told me I had to become the tiny glass club.

The trust in my veins now blackened with fear and it was thick and suffocating, I had made many changes and big leaps to my life but this was intense and hard and strong and despite wanting to turn away and go back to bullsh*t Skie world, I knew it was right. I knew I had to do it. I knew it was time. I don’t know how many tiny glass clubs you need to attend to get ‘it’ or find the map. I don’t know how long it will take or if it will even happen in the same way as me. I don’t know in what way she will ask you to become the tiny glass club as it has many forms and maybe you already are one, you just don’t know it yet. Red, my husband, has only just accepted her invitation and yet he has been his own tiny glass club for six years. Lol.


It happens in its own way when we are ready to accept the invitation she delivers.


All I know is that in my tiny glass club I found the most precious gift of all. It was dark and it was alone and it was scared and it was manipulative and it was full of lies and it was bullshit and it was egotistic and it was cocky and it was afraid and it was angry and it was jealous and it was wearing a salesman bullshit suit. It wanted justice and it was full of mind chatter and it thought it knew everything and it was hard and it was solid and it was stubborn and it was always right and it wanted to blame everyone else and it was superficial and it was powerful and then it stopped.


Then it stripped me piece by piece and brought me to my knees and humbled me and it made me listen.


Then it was wearing white feathers, It was also hope, it was love, it was friendship and it was magic it was confidence it was freedom and it was youthful and mature and it was knowledge and it was substance and it was joy and it was full of colour and it made sense and it shone and it was educational and it was my best friend and it was amazing and awesome and it allowed me to feel free and I stopped asking questions and needing to know and as it slid down my throat with the intensity of taste that sends shudders through my spine it filled my veins with trust. 

  IT WAS ME.

  
 
Beyond anything I thought I could be


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