Updated: May 14
Living in the world
I need to navigate my way through this world.
So here I am, alert and wise to the bollocks that society calls life and I can clearly see through it all and it disturbs me. I can see the advertising companies and the government and even the general public and friends and people around me all stuck in this mad surreal dance of life. It made no sense and I couldn’t understand that even when I explained what I saw, they just looked puzzled, thought I was mad and insane and that I was rambling bollocks. What me?! Ok I decided to stop telling people, obviously that was after I had already told most people so my insanity and spiritual nonsense as they all saw it had now reached a peaked high on the gossip channel.
My tiny glass club visits were now monthly and I loved going.
I knew the world around was engineered for us to work, work, work so you can buy, buy, buy and save, save, save then get stressed, then ill, then take a pill and then work some more get ill again. All this so we look at all the lovely, non useful items we have surrounded ourselves with. The important family had moved away and been replaced with work and furniture and money in the bank but now we are alone, old and cast off by society. It was sad and truthful and scary and it was everywhere. Sure some fun 2-week holidays were popped in-between and a few snatched family memories from the office hours would play out occasionally but in a nutshell that was it. IF you met the love of your life, great but you would both have worked yourselves into early graves by saving and earning all the money you can to leave for your children who will carbon copy you into the ground. Bleak, I know, but the tiny liquid was showing me this each month, why could everyone not see it? I began to change my life; I wasn’t going to be part of the society bollock dance where doctors and policeman get paid less than a Love Island contestant on TV. I had hung my shoes up and swapped it for the tiny glass club.
My tiny glass club visits were now monthly and I loved it, I loved going and I spent my entire month preparing for the following month and the more I drank Ayahuasca the more I wanted that knowledge, that therapy, that sense of belonging, that support, that love and that deep wisdom. I wanted into THAT world.
It was a world of endless possabilities and a world where i was ok, feeling good and learning lots about my life. A world where i was understood, accepted and occasionaly told off about my behaviour, but not in a bad detrimental way, but in a loving, you need to do better way and i knew what to do to change things. I danced around universes and i watched the language of the plants patterns submersed me into their arms, holding me and educating me to the truths of my own being. The more i danced in this magical world the more distant the society world i grew up with mattered. I needed to start being in both worlds, i had 4 children to nourish and i knew the plants could help.
I stuttered every time I got asked "how was your weekend, what did you get up to?". Back on with the bullshit suit i'd answer "I just did some spiritual growth stuff or mediation weekend or yoga reteat" or any answer that sadly took me away from the beauty of my white feaher oufit and the tiny glass club.
SO... I stopped drinking alcohol. I stopped eating junk food. I stopped swearing. (exception of this page) I stopped spending time with people that didn’t get it. I certainly stopped seeing the world through the rose tinted glasses. I stopped thinking if I don’t have a big house/car I was a failure. I stopped putting myself down. I stopped being critical of myself and others. I stopped feeling like I had failed. I stopped comparing myself to others. I stopped buying things unconsciously. I stopped and I breathed. I stopped at trees and thanked them. I stopped over consuming. I stopped over thinking. I stopped listening to my ego. I stopped making presumptions. I stopped living in fear. I stopped being who i had been for the 35 years on the society bullshit dance floor.
And most of all i stopped being part of the problem with this world.
I started looking after myself.
I started relaxing about my future.
I started eating healthily.
I started enjoying life without material crap.
I started doing more.
I started to like myself, and who the new me was.
I started listening to my kids.
I started to smile more and trust.
I started to feel kinder to the world.
I started to do what I wanted and not what I feel I should.
I started to believe I was more capable.
I started to feel like I belong.
I started to feel connected.
I started to see the greatness in the world.
I started to support people around me.
I started to feel loved and at peace daily.
Most of all i started representing the solution to the problem in society and it felt amazing.
But then I realised the clothes on my back, the furniture I had, the shops I went in, the food on my table and the world I was still very much a part of, WAS completely made up of the bollock bullshit dance and I couldn’t escape it. My kids were part of it at school, oh my god schools, now don’t get me started on that. It was the biggest scam ever in my book, learning repetitive nonsense to set you up in a world that was stuck on repeat prescription mode, no thanks. But my kids need to go school to get qualifications to get a job to feel important and worthy and start moving towards society’s doctors queue didn’t they? The food on my table and the power I had given supermarkets to crush our British farmers and fellow growers around the world. The power to waste thousands of tonnes of food because it was the wrong shape or colour. The power to control cost and manufacture cheap tasteless food, so I could get a bargain at the cost of a farmers entire generational livelihood, It was far bigger than I could have imagined or wanted to be part of, but I was and I had to find a way to live in the bullshit. I had to learn to be with the bullshit and make peace with myself living in it. I couldn’t just pick up and go live middle of nowhere and live off the earth, could I, maybe? But it didn’t feel right and I had to slowly admit I also was programmed into this world in a bigger way than I wanted to admit.
I wasn’t sure the tiny glass club had enough glasses to shift me enough to wave goodbye to everything which probably included my family, with four teenagers in the Earth club, it wasn’t gonna happen. So I made the decision to change everything I could within myself and my own life, to move towards happiness and joy and make peace with anything that I couldn’t and be ready no mater what to make change.
I sadly don’t have a magical answer for you all about how to do this. I did my bit, I bought local and fresh when I could, I made more effort to educate myself about where I bought things from, where I shopped, where I put my energy and where I could make a difference. I stopped trying to control everyone around me and realised we are all on a journey; we are all doing our bit. Some are doing the bollock dance because they don’t know any other foot moves, it’s ok because those people are the ones that keep life ticking for the world and they are the important ones in many other ways I do not need to understand. All work is important and all work and jobs are relevant because they all make the world connected. How we go about our work is more important, we should embrace it with joy and gratitude and do what feels right.
Balance is what the repeat prescription world has lost touch with. Balance, My kids needed balance, not disapproving parents and underpaid overworked teachers’ opinions and government block guidelines. But they went to school and I encouraged them to be good people, not necessarily good little pupils.
I built my kids’ confidence around self worth with encouragement of their passion, I paid less attention to teachers on school evenings about grades and more attention to their conclusion of my children’s personalities. I helped them develop a sense of worth outside of the material. I let them have their own path, make their own mistakes and I played down any drama that teenagers create, it was hard work. But we muddled through together as a family and we changed our lives every time I attended my monthly tiny glass meeting, and life was becoming easier. We found balance, I found balance.
We found a way to be with the society bollocks and each others.
I don’t always agree with the world around me, who does? I don’t always agree with my kids, who does? I don’t always agree with my friends and family, who does? But the person I agree with the most is the one that faces that tiny glass each month; she is the important one to me. You’re doing really well being in this often harsh world, and if you’re not sure if you’re doing really well then check in with the tiny glass, she always keeps me in balance, I know she will for you too. This is my way of being with the bullsh*t